(GATE CREAKING)
(SCREECHING)
(DOG HOWLING)
(SCREECHING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
(CACKLING)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKING)
Look, Iady. I'm sorry if the product made your skin faII off.
But we never do axe-changes on saIe merchandise.
Next.
Some peopIe.
Maybe at DoomingdaIes the ghostomer's aIways fright.
But not here.
Attention all Slay mart choppers!
Interested in tonight's boo Iight speciaI?
It concerns a coupIe of crooks
who are about to Iearn the benefits of dying whoIesaIe.
I caII this bit of gash-and-carry
''Ear Today... Gone Tomorrow.''
HENRY: One minute...
One minute 30...
Two ten... We've got an aIarm.
(ALARM BLARING)
GLYNN: Just a minute.
I'm aImost there.
What's the probIem?
There's no probIem. I've aImost got it.
HENRY: Two-thirty-five...
Open it.
Yes, just one more minute. Okay?
We haven't got another minute! The coppers are on their way!
Open it.
You idiot. He's hopeIess.
No, no, wait. Let me start again. Okay?
I got confused.
Time's up, FenneII. The poIice are here
and you're dead.
Boom.
(THUDDING)
Right in the kisser.
WeII, I am sorry, Mr. Lawson,
but it Iooks Iike this bIoke's been wasting your time.
He ain't a safecracker.
Yes, I beIieve you're right, Henry.
We've been duped. It's a shame, a reaI shame.
A bIeeding shame, sir, and a busy man Iike yourseIf,
you shouIdn't have to bother with the Iikes of this riff-raff.
It can certainIy Ieave a nasty taste in one's mouth.
But I'm not going to give up, yet.
I'm a probIem soIver.
(GROANING)
My bookies are very worried about you, GIynn.
So much so that they brought your rather Iarge debt
to my attention this time.
Now, I ask you,
do I Iook Iike the type of man who's buiIt an empire
on fIogging drunks and gambIers?
-No. No. No, no, sir. -That's right.
I'm not. I'm a barterer.
The way I see it, every man has a skiII I can trade for.
In your case, I was toId you have a certain expertise
that couId be very usefuI to me.
One that couId heIp you pay off your debt.
I know, Mr. Lawson.
It's just that I've run up against a bit of a Iosing streak,
again.
But I've got a tip on a horse...
Tips are for waiters and cabbies.
A betting man shouId never accept one. You know that.
Yeah, I know that. But this one's a beauty. It's a sure thing.
You had a sure thing, you stupid arse,
and you fucked it up!
AII you had to do was to crack that safe and we were in business.
(KATE CLICKING TONGUE)
KATE: MaIcoIm. StiII crying over spiIt miIk.
I thought we had moved beyond this obsession of yours.
GIynn FenneII, my wife, Kate.
If she speaks of obsession with some authority,
it is because she is an expert.
Her beauty is not so much a tribute to the hand of God
as to the meticuIous craftsmanship
of some of this country's finest pIastic surgeons.
MaIcoIm, you gave away my secret. I'm hurt.
ImpossibIe. I thought we paid to have your feeIings removed,
aIong with certain rather unsightIy wrinkIes, of course.
Very funny. Don't Iet him fooI you, Mr. FenneII.
I'II pay you back, Mr. Lawson. Every penny.
AII I need is one more chance.
And aII I needed was a competent safecracker.
So, it appears that neither of our needs are going to be fuIfiIIed.
Pity. Great pity.
I had high hopes of you, GIynn.
I was toId you used to be good. One of the best.
Get the car ready and then cut his throat.
I can't be bothered with this anymore.
-Right, sir. -Love the gIasses, Henry.
Thank you, ma'am.
As I said to Mr. Lawson, I appreciate the gift.
-My pIeasure. -No!
Don't go! PIease! PIease give me one more chance.
I'II do anything! ReaIIy, I wiII...
No, I wiII, I wiII. I'II do anything. PIease. PIease heIp me.
ReaIIy? Anything? Then teII me a story.
What happened to the worId's greatest safecracker?
WeII, I took a beating in prison and I kind of Iost my hearing, you know.
But it's... I mean it's... But...
It's heaIed now. But I can't hear the tumbIers no more.
I can't hear anything, you know?
But that's no reason to kiII a man, is it?
It's as good as any.
But then again, why don't you Iet him go, MaIcoIm?
Give him one more chance.
-Why? -He's cute.
In a pathetic sort of way.
He's business.
And you never mix business with pIeasure, am I right?
That is my ruIe.
Then how do you expIain me?
You, my Iove, are my hobby. A very expensive one.
KATE: But weII worth it.
(MALCOLM CHUCKLES)
That man's obsession with gambIing intrigues me.
I bet...
What the deviI...
AII right, I'II take that bet.
-Car's ready, sir. -Thank you, Henry.
No! Come on, I can get the money!
Cut him free.
-Sir? -I said cut him free.
My wife has bought Mr. FenneII a short reprieve.
Very good, sir.
(SHUDDERING)
Thank you. Thank you so very much. I won't forget this.
Now, now, don't be so quick to kneeI at her feet.
In my view, she has onIy extended your suffering.
But as she wishes to prove a point,
I've decided to grant her request to spare your Iife.
Tomorrow, Mr. FenneII, I Ieave for Paris.
If, when I return in ten days time,
I find that your debt is stiII outstanding,
I shaII kiII you without any further hesitation.
Not even my IoveIy wife
wiII be abIe to save your skin a second time.
-We understand each other, eh? -Yes.
Yes. Yes, sir. I won't Iet you down.
I know you won't. I'm betting on it.
-HeIIo, GIynn. -BIoody heII!
Meow. Amazing, aren't they?
They're part of a IittIe surprise I'm pIanning.
-Are they reaI? -Of course.
I came aII the way down here to show them to you.
You came aII the way down here to show me your eyes. Why?
KATE: I want you to heIp me break into my husband's safe.
Do it and I promise you you'II never have to worry about money again.
GLYNN: You are crazy, Iady.
KATE: Am I? In five days, he's going to kiII you.
I'd say you'd be crazy not to accept.
Let me heIp you and then we can heIp each other.
GLYNN: I've toId you before, I can't hear anything, can I?
I mean, I can't even hear the tumbIers faII.
KATE: Yes, but I know a man, a surgeon who can cure your hearing Ioss.
He's using new and radicaI techniques.
Doing things no one's even dreamed of.
HeIp me and you'II be rich.
Decide not to and you're as good as dead. Either way, it's a sure thing.
-Wait, where's Henry? -He's gone.
He aIways traveIs with MaIcoIm
when he has monkey business to attend to.
We're aIone.
Trust me.
Come on.
Where are we going?
To the bedroom.
To caII the doctor. Don't be so suspicious.
This is business. I won't bite.
I cIearIy don't understand you, Mr. FenneII.
You wiII bet every pound you own on a Iong shot
in hopes of hitting it big. But you wiII not take a sIight gambIe
in foIIowing me to my room. Why is that?
I guess I'm interested in onIy one thing, Iady.
-The big score. -Why, me, too, Mr. FenneI.
-Coming? -Yes.
Now, Iet's just hope for your sake,
we're taIking about the same thing.
AII taken care of. My surgeon is expecting you.
That's good. Right. WeII, I'II probabIy be on my way then.
Is that what you think?
WeII... Like...
Like you said, you know, I mean...
The doctor is...
I am going to fuck you.
That's not funny.
-Does this Iook Iike I'm Iaughing? -Oh, boy. Oh, pIease, pIease.
PIease don't do this.
WeII, ever since I got these new eyes, I've been having these strange urges.
I mean, it's not Iike I even find you that attractive.
But you'II do.
(MOANING)
I think my body's trying to teII me something.
Yeah, yeah.
I crave sex.
I feeI Iike I'm on a hot tin roof.
Have you tried catnip?
What kind of crack is that?
It was just a IittIe joke, that's aII. Just a IittIe joke, I mean...
Never mix business with pIeasure, remember?
And who said it's going to be pIeasurabIe?
You do a Iot of these operations then, Doc?
Not as many as I'd Iike to, I'm afraid.
The procedure is fairIy new.
Therefore, the operation is extremeIy expensive.
But, fortunateIy for you, you have a weaIthy benefactor.
You can say that again. She's quite a nice IittIe benefactor, she...
Tricking an individuaI's immune system into accepting tissue from another person
is not an easy task.
Introducing tissue
from an entireIy different species is another story aItogether.
We're stiII working out the bugs.
Bugs? That's not very encouraging.
Oh, there's nothing to worry about.
We've been pumping pig insuIin into diabetics for generations.
It was reaIIy onIy a matter of time
before we made fuII use of aII their transpIantabIe organs.
We've even used bone marrow from baboons to fight off retroviruses.
Baboons? Get out. Don't be ridicuIous.
Hey, I am sorry.
I don't understand. Mrs. Lawson said you wanted to improve your hearing.
Yeah, weII...
I do, I know, I do,
but, I mean, I don't want to wake up and find a coupIe of chimp's ears
stuck to me head, do I?
(LAUGHING)
You won't.
Primates' auditory abiIities are not that much better than humans.
I want to improve your hearing ten-foId, Mr. FenneII.
-What? You can do that? -AbsoIuteIy.
How?
By giving you the auditory system of an owI.
(AMPLIFIED) Can you hear me, GIynn?
(GROANING)
Wake up, GIynn.
-What happened? -The operation was a success.
-Operation? -Yes.
I took advantage of your fainting speII and put the time to good use.
You're cured.
The headset wiII heIp untiI you Iearn to better fiIter the sound waves.
Now teII me, how do you feeI?
Great. I feeI absoIuteIy great.
GIad to hear that.
(HEART BEATING)
(SIZZLING)
You shouId stop smoking. Your heart's racing.
When I want your opinion, I'II ask for it.
MeanwhiIe, keep your ears out of my chest.
We couId negotiate a compromise
upstairs.
There's been quite a change in your personaIity
ever since your operation.
Maybe you're not such a miserabIe specimen after aII.
With your confidence restored, you're aImost a man.
It's too bad my husband comes home tomorrow.
If you had any money, you might actuaIIy be interesting.
ReaIIy? WeII, in that case,
Iet's crack a safe.
No. Not there.
-Why? What do you mean? -That's pocket change.
This is for keeps.
(GLYNN CHUCKLING)
Impress me.
My pIeasure.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(GLYNN WHISTLES)
WeII done, GIynn.
You are about to become a very weaIthy bacheIor.
WeII, madam...
You know what they say? Age before beauty.
I beg your pardon?
Funny what you find Iying around here given haIf the chance, isn't it?
I toId you I was gonna take care of you.
There's gonna be more than you couId ever need. Just put that away.
No.
No, that's not good enough.
You don't get me, do you?
I'm a gambIer,
and a gambIer settIes for nothing Iess than everything.
I want everything. The big score, remember?
GIynn, don't be this way. Think of the night we had together.
I Iied. It was great. You know, that's aII I think about.
(COUGHING)
I warned you, pussy cat.
Smoking kiIIs.
Damn. MaIcoIm was right about you.
You'II aIways be a bad bet.
(RETCHING)
Oh, dear, that is disgusting.
You know, one thing I hate worse than smoking
is fur baIIs.
PeopIe have got some fiIthy habits.
Damn. I hate it when that happens.
God, Iife is a bitch sometimes.
I'II say.
AII bIoody nine of them. Or in my case, eight.
Some side effects are better than others, GIynn.
-WouIdn't you agree? -Who... Who... To who... To who...
(CLEARING THROAT)
I think you mean ''to whom,'' GIynn.
To whom.
(GLYNN GROANING)
(SCREAMING)
I stiII can't beIieve you're taking my money, MaIcoIm.
And I stiII can't beIieve you thought he had any principIes.
Good grief, the man's positiveIy NeanderthaI.
The moment he got a sniff of some easy money,
his instincts took over.
I knew he'd try to shoot you, first chance he got.
But it's my aIIowance.
(CHUCKLES) I have to say, I thought it was a sucker bet...
-What have you done to me? -Done to you?
My goodness, it's what you've done for me that's exciting.
Yeah, but what have I done to deserve this?
You've been the perfect host.
I knew you were a sure thing, the moment I Iaid eyes on you.
I expIained the whoIe thing to you in my office, dear boy.
These experiments are tricky stuff.
Sometimes we have to move sIowIy
up the evoIutionary scaIe to make them stick.
With something as intricate as a human ear,
you can't just expect to jump from animaIs to human.
Sometimes you have to start somewhere in between.
And that's where boys Iike you and Henry come in.
Henry! What? Henry's dead?
Sure. You don't think these eyes grow on trees, do you?
I Iet Henry have them for a whiIe, and then he Iost his head,
with the heIp of the good doctor here.
Why settIe for mere cosmetic surgery when you can sampIe
aII of Mother Nature?
Being beautifuI is one thing,
but in our business, having a few extra Iives
-can come in handy. -ExactIy.
It's these IittIe improvements
that make us better-equipped to do our work.
-Goodbye, GIynn. -He's aII yours, Doctor.
(EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
Poor GIynn!
I hope his Boo Cross poIicy's in force.
Sounded to me Iike he got in his screamium just in time.
(CACKLING)
So, how wiII you be paying today?
(CACKLING)
Now, that's a charge card!
(CACKLING)
(WHOOPS)